taxonomyofsubstance

Erroneous Eukaryote Bedroom Symbiosis

RE: Erroneous eukaryote bedroom symbiosis at Adelaide location.

         It has come to my attention that there is a general taxonomical misunderstanding concerning the number of per taxa eukaryote occupants permitted in my bedroom. This is unacceptable. 

To ensure the mutually beneficial termination of this misunderstanding, and to substantially improve the associated prognoses, please consider the following taxonomic classification as a requirement of entry: 

Domain: Eukarya

Kingdom: Animalia

Phylum: Chordata

Class: Mammalia

Order: Primates

Family: Hominidae

Tribe: Hominini

Genus: Homo

Species: Homo Sapien.

As Arthropoda, you will find that this does not apply to you. This is intentional. The only characteristics we share are our biological metabolic processes. As a human, capable of abstract reasoning, language, problem solving, and introspection, I find that merely our sharing of metabolic processes presents multiple barriers in the realms of intrapersonal communication, and is an insufficient basis to facilitate interpersonal relationship formation. Also, I think it’s gross. If you were informed by other eukaryotes in the area that I was looking for multicellular bedroom symbiosis, you have been misled.  

I write this not to hurt you, but to help you. While I do not respect your sentience as Biota, Vitae, Eobionti, I acknowledge it. My bedroom is a wondrous place and I am flattered that you desire so vehemently to share it with me, penultimately.  Ultimately, however, this is not possible, and any persistent presence in my room will continue to force me into frightened hysterics. While occasionally hilarious, these hysterics are not conducive to continued metabolic activity on your part. 

I am confident that this should clarify any and all uncertainty regarding the matter at hand. It remains essential that you adhere to this taxa paradigm henceforth. For your sakes, and for mine. 

Sincerely, 

M.

P.S. I understand that as eukaryotes, you may feel discriminated against. This is just not true. You see, my cells are also membranous.

P.P.S. I want you to rest assured that it is not your domain nor kingdom, but your phylum…that disgusts me. It is so disgusting. You are forcing me to discriminate. You don’t like it!? I don’t like it! 

P.P.P.S. I mean, if your phylum weren’t overrun with such faculty incapacitating monstrosities, I might actually like you. Don’t you want me to like you? I guess not. 

P.P.P.P.S. We all adhered to the dictates of evolution. Where in the fine print was it written that ‘efficiency’ meant ‘heinously frightening’? No, that is a poor excuse. I mean, puppies evolved. Puppies are adorable. You should look like puppies.  

Capitalism

“…[G]od’s way of determing who is smart, and who is poor”.